Saturday, February 10, 2007

wine: when grape juice goes bad

here's the rub: it's 3.25 and i have nothing to do. and there's a bottle of open wine next to me. now, i don't want to drink this wine, it's just i've been carrying it round with me since last night for reasons i won't go into. suffice to say a lack of keys and sleeping on matt's couch lead to this situation. now i'll be the first to admit that i enjoy a drink. or two. lots. i'm borderline alcoholic. it's not big, it's not clever but fukkit, it's honest. but even i feel that laying into a bottle of dirt cheap red wine at 3 in the afternoon is pushing it. so to distract myself i've been watching girls aloud videos on youtube.

you decide which is more fucking pathetic.

actually i don't know why i'm worrying about this anyway, the scotland vs. wales game is about to start. it's pretty much compulsory to be drinking in a pube for that so my ethical dilemma is at an end. huzzah.

but before i go i feel i should moan about something. it's pretty much expected isn't it? well i'll moan about people telling me i moan. see what i've done there? that's why my life is considerably more rewarding than yours. i'll think of something better to put here later.

Friday, February 09, 2007

my advice to you

when you're sitting in a loud bar and vaguely hear a dj ask for song requests always check it's not karaoke first otherwise you end up looking like a fucktard and have all your mates as well as the dj take the piss out of you.

basically don't be a tit and read the piece of paper which has 'KARAOKE REQUEST SHEET' written on it. muppet.

in case you were wondering, i requested 'it's a long way to the top (if you want to rock 'n' roll)' by ac/dc. i'll work on my bon scott singing voice and then i'll be back next week to reclaim my honour. or lose my dignity, it could go either way. at least it'll be better than a barely adolescent, heartfelt rendition of 'angels' by robbie williams. *smash* goes my head into the glass table.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

can you hear me up there you bastard?

last night i went to sleep and it was snowing. i wake up this morning expecting a fine white sugary coating over everything and there's nada. bupkiss. DO YOU HATE ME GOD? have you not punished me enough? apparently not. it gives you a little kick to see me wake up bright eyed and bushy-tailed, looking forward to a fun day of froilicing in the snow with my mates, and then seeing that it's just another damp, grey day in edinburgh, doesn't it?

well i'm not going to let it get to me. i'll just go and have sex with some nuns, then we'll be even.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

this is fucking ridiculous. i didn't realise that people spammed comments on here. i'm going to find a quiet space on the internet, away from these heartless fucks where i can slowly decompose. i hate you all, you are responsible for making this world a horrible place to live. well done. go get fucked by a horse until you die. please.
ok, let me explain. i did not write all those blogs in a matter of minutes. that would be insane and require skills in bending the time space continuum to match hiro. if you have no idea what that means then you should start watching heroes. cos it's ace. i've decided that facebook will not be the only place where i post notes. no! i shall use blogspot too. is this important and do you care? the answer to both of those should be no. i just wanted to say it so now you know.

i think the fancy black is cooler than facebook anyway. plus, it says 'slow hole to china' at the top of the page which is just mint.

i say mint because i'm drinking peppermint tea. why? i hate herbal teas. they taste like gnats piss. it's a hot, watery version of the taste you're looking for. for example: blackcurrant tea. fuck that, drink hot ribena. at least it's got some taste. and sugar, which is good for the diabetes. apparently.
first impressions are important. they really are. parents tell you from an early age that you have to make a good impression, dress smart and look presentable. of course, these are the same people who also tell you not to judge a book by its cover but they wouldn't be parents if they weren't hypocritical bastards. 'don't judge a book by its cover, because everyone will be doing that to you if you don't make a good first impression' or some bollocks like that is basically what they're saying.

however, they are. important that is. you can learn a lot from someone in the first few moments of meeting them. i'll give you a for instance: when wondering through the streets of edinburgh i am confronted by a raggedly dressed unshaven old man who is stumbling about the place with a bottle of white lightning, murmuring inane ramblings i can be pretty sure that this isn't someone i can discuss my love of wittgenstein with. not that i can discuss that with anyone, i don't know anything about the cunt. i don't think i even spelt his name right. but the point is that my first impression would be correct. and 9 times out of 10 it is. most people who i think are cunts with in 10 seconds of meeting them turn out to be, surprise surprise, cunts. there have been a few exceptions but i'll not name names for fear of insulting someone...

the first impression most people get of me is that i'm tall. well done, you are correct. seriously, every person i meet, the first thing they say is, 'wow, you're tall. how tall are you? is your family tall?' and so on and so on. i start to worry that these are height obsessed people. they have nothing else to talk about. when they're standing around with their other friends their conversations go along the lines of 'wow, you're still average height.' 'yes i am, thanks for noticing. have you grown a centimetre?' 'why yes i have' 'fascinating' 'let's find a tall person'. i hate these people.

of course, some people's first impressions are just plain wrong. like a guy i met in the toilet of bongo club last week. 'did he think you were gay?' i hear you cry. no, shut up and sit down you stupid fuck. we started chatting, as blokes do in the urinals, and carried on our conversation outside. shortly into the conversation he asked me, 'so what's it like being a kiwi in edinburgh?' i paused... and thought, 'fuck it'. "ar yeah, it's sweet as bro!". just to make it clear, i had not been talking in a new zealand accent up to this point. the bloke just thought i was a kiwi. i then proceeded to have a 20 minute conversation with this guy about the wonders of new zealand and the all blacks rugby team, speaking in a kiwi accent. i tell you, trying to talk about kiwi rugby whilst also defending the england rugby team against a scot is a challenge when you're drunk and your brain's wired... anyhoo, we got to the end of the conversation and i suddenly thought, 'wait. he thought i was a kiwi before he mentioned it... why the fuck did i spend the last 20 minutes doing a kiwi accent?' that must have confused the fuck out of the poor guy.

his first impression of me was wrong, and i abused this. i apologise, but it's not my fault he's a fucking deaf moron. the point of this note is... nothing really. apart from look clean and presentable, because you never know who's watching you. or stalking you on facebook. apart from me. always assume i am. because i am. you're beautiful....

ooh, ooh, completely unrelated to the shpeel above but find and download the song 'born to hula' by queens of the stone age. not the 2000 version, the one from the kyuss/qotsa split ep. just because it's an amazing song. i know none of you will because you're all fools, but just putting it out there anyway.
technology is a beautiful thing, it really is. i have a complete love/hate relationship with technology though. not in the normal kind of way. i don't tend to get pissed off and confused by computers because i have an intelligence and ability to adapt that surpasses the average catfish. some people apparently do not. but not me, no, i love all the latest gadgets and toys. whatever it is, i don't care. is it new and does it have pretty lights? all i need to know. unfortunately there is a slightly schizophrenic side to me that ends up breaking or losing every piece of modern wizardry i get within two weeks of having it. without fail. hence i can be found bounding across the meadows singing loudly to myself because it's the only way to do that walk without an ipod.

because you get addicted to technology. it's true, you do and it happens like all addictions do, without you even realising until it's a major factor in your life. from the age of 13 i've had a mobile. half of my social interactions were done through texts, every smallest detail communicated instantly. and you never stop wondering, 'what the fuck did people do before the mobile?' take computers, same problem again. tv, same again. car. train. aaaaaaand that's about it. there was nothing else really addictive and necessary before that. and by addictive and necessary i mean fun.

people have this romantic view of life without television (thankfully it's dying out with the elderly population) where people are happy just sitting being people. bollocks! absolute tosh, families would just sit in one room with the parents praying they had something to do that was more interesting to beating the kids and the kids wished they had something to do other than 'tripping down the stairs' again.

people are happier now with better technology. they must be. you can entertain yourself in myriad of ways never before possible. look at something like no matter who you are i'm sure you could lose yourself for hours looking at the videos. and this is people instantly recording videos and exchanging them. with anyone else on the 'net. and we can download music and videos, so many things.

if you don't believe me, look at it like this. in the last 20 years we've gone from, 'wow, computers' to 'wow, computer graphics' to 'wow, the internet' to 'wow, mp3s' and so forth. it's incredible how far technology has advanced, in all aspects of life. you can't help but be in awe of what the human race can now achieve, the power we have to create things and advance the species.

this was how people 500 years ago felt about bridges.
'dear god, lord falkenbern. is that the new bridge?'
'aye, it is. they've made it with only two archways spanning a 30-foot gap.'
'will the laws of man and science know no bounds? how long can we play god for?'
etc., you get the idea.

last point, promise. if you bothered to read all that then you are definitely too addicted to doing boring things on your computer. good job! i feed off your apathy.
as i try to delay starting on my stupid philosophy essay my thoughts turn to this riiculously flawed questionaire. let's get cracking!

1.Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to each question.

1.How am I feeling today?
Lodi - CCR. well that was insightful...

2.Where will I get married?
prayer for a dying - goatsnake. is that a subtle hint at a church?

3.What is my best friend's theme song?
tool - forty six. which means i have forty six friends who are all tools.

4. What was High school like?
addicted - lavos. ha! this was actually was what school was like, man we played some good tunes.

5.What is the best thing about me?
be my drug - wildhearts. drugs?! that's the best thing about me?! well, i'll just be shooting up to celebrate and make myself a better person if anyone wants me.

6.How is today going to be?
morning star rising - the men of porn. wow... so today i will be involved in a porn film that will directly lead to the resurrection of lucifer. this thing is eerily accurate.

7.What is in store for this weekend?
the road - tenacious d. ha, yeah.

8.How does the world see me?
whitewater - kyuss. this is the best song ever written, so if people see me in the same way i'm not gonna complain.

9.What do my friends really think of me?
no girl so sweet - pj harvery. ok, now this thing is just trying to mock me. that's a warning.

10.Do people secretly lust after me?
calling dr carrion - masters of reality. oh great. people lust after me in a kind of 'hey you, scavenger, come peck the last sexy flesh off these bones' kind of way. saucy.

11.How can I make myself happy?
ash grey sunday - screaming trees. go out and set fire to stuff. works for me.

12.What should I do with my life?
supa scoopa and the mighty scoop - kyuss. i shall be the best scoop there ever was!

13.Will I ever have children?
get it hot - ac/dc. so i will, and will also find them sexually attractive.

14.What is some good advice?
twenty eight - karma to burn. one for any of you bingo players out there.

15.What do I think my current theme song is?
phat planet - leftfield. well, i have been drinking a lot of guiness recently. and i do often get told how much i look like a surfing horse.

16.What does everyone else think about my current life?
thursday's child - isobel campbell. everyone thinks significant things only happen ot me on thursday? odd.

17.What type of women/men do you like?
cadilac - t.rex. ar, these glam rock stars. i'll just follow marc's advice and love everyone.

18.Will you get married?
last song - men of porn. from this i deduce that marriage will be the last thing i do after and illustrious career in the porn industry.

19.What should I do with my love life?
thromin - dixie witch. that's not even a word. fucking stoners. i'm going to do that one again. passive restraints - clutch. i guess that's better.

20.Where will you live?
war pigs - black sabbath. pack your bags kids, we're off to baghdad!
hitler had the right idea, he was just an underachiever. kill them all adolf, all of them. jews, mexicans, whites, kill them all. start over, the experiment didn't work.

rain 40 days, please fucking rain and wash these turds off my fucking life. wash these human wastes of flesh and bones off this planet. i pray to you god to kill these fucking people.

yeah, they're not my words but they're funny as hell.
Ar AC/DC, your sexual innuendos will never get old. But you have, which is a shame 'cause old rock stars just ain't cool. It's true, look at people like the Stones and Cream last year getting back together for 'one last tour'. Black Sabbath are alright 'cause they were always so fucked that they never really moved or did much on stage anyway. Not that the other bands haven't done plenty of drugs in their time. People always point to Keith Richards as an example of someone who's kept alive by drugs, which is almost certainly true and fair play to him for it. But they forget about the likes of Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney who also did their fair share of drugs and nowadays seem relatively normal. For a given level of normal. In a way. Well Maccas did marry that one-legged foetus so not all the lights can be on...
The thing about these bands that really skull fucks me though is the price you have to pay to see 'their last ever tour'. Don't these guys have enough money by now? Surely there's only so many heated swimming pools you can fit into one estate? Meh, maybe I'm just annoyed that I'll never see the Stones when they first started playing in a Richmond pub like my dad did. The bastard.
And that is why I hate my father.
I don't, I love him.
He knows what good rock is anyway. Or at least he likes the bands I like. Wait, that doesn't sound too hip/down with the kids. Hmmm.... i'll edit that later...
i've been back four days and already my sleeping pattern is fucked. i don't quite get how it happened either. one minute it's 10 and i'm happily contemplating getting an early night, the next it's 4am and i'm passed out in front of my laptop. enough! i'll blame it on still being stuck in the holidays and stop, there's work to be done. at some point.

people seem to be listening to bill hicks at the moment, which is no bad thing. i've just discovered the album 'i'm sorry folks' which is a show from chicago where he spends the entire show fighting with the audience. he gets heckled a lot and responds as only hicks can, ripping them all new ones. jesus, what balls!

kinda disappointed about games on offer for the 360 for the first half of this year. apart from mass effect there's... nothing. of course there's great shit in the second half: halo 3, RE5 and assassin's creed to name just three. but it's a pain in the arse that assassin's creed was kicked back to september. i'll just have to keep dreaming about being a crusade era assassin in turkey with a dagger for a finger. *sigh*

and so i make a wish... that next time i sit down to write a note i'll have something interesting to say.
Why is it that when nothing interesting is happening in my life I feel the need to plaster it up on these notes, but when I've got tons of interesting stuff to write about I can find the energy to think about what I'm going to write... And why did I ask that question? Because the answer is fucking obvious. When I'm doing interesting stuff it means I feel no desire to waste my life writing about it on here. Job done, mystery solved, case closed. Anyway, I do feel some guilt for not writing about my holidays at all but I also feel that guilt is good for the soul (that's a lie) so I'm not going to bother here. Maybe when I'm back up in Edinburgh. Who knows. So instead I'm going to waste your time with this terrifically (i can't spell) shit questionairre.

Actually, before I do that I just want to make a quick note on my spelling. I find myself getting more dyslexic as I grow older. Is this normal? I used to be able to spell any word you cared to mention but during a hideously embarrassing couple of rounds of cranium over Christmas I cocked up every word.... Ar, fukkit. I'm like Shakespeare in that respect, a pioneer of a new English language. Join me or die trying to buy your bread! Hahaha!

Right, stupid quiz time:

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
failed! first time i've ever cocked up an exam bad enough to have to do it again. in fact it was a summer of bad luck... which is catalogued elsewhere in my notes so i won't bore you with it here. still, fucked up summer. loved it though.

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i never make resolutions. come on, i'm waaaaay to lazy. and off the cuff. yeah....

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yes, it was the most disgusting bus ride i've ever been on. i've half a mind to write to red ken himself.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
surprisingly not, those insane old grannies are hanging on to the last few years of their life with a tenacity that would impress a pit bull. actually, i can't say that can i?

5. What countries did you visit?
scotland. which isn't a country but still. and spain, which was lovely. aaaand.... france. just to stir things up a bit.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
electronic equipment that doesn't die on me every 2 fucking weeks. and less of an attachment to material things. wait... i can't have lacked that in 2006, otherwise i'd be pretty goddam zen... hmmm....

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
errr... kids, this is why you don't do drugs. but everything that i can remember lasts for about 24hours of memory and it was all kick ass, so that i guess.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting written about in the national press. that was about it.

9. What was your biggest failure?
failing exams. failing to remember my passport was in edinburgh (sorry lucy!). failing to put down the beer, the cigarette and the joint for just 5 fucking minutes. failing to improve as a photographer. failing to do anything at the fringe. failing to keep my flat clean. failing to keep my eczema under control. the great thing is that i write all the with a smile on my face. wait, maybe that's why i'm failing... fukkit. ooh, i did manage to get a steady job, does that count against? sure it does. ooh yeah.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
apart from the usual leprosy everything ticked over nicely. good job body!

11. What was the best thing you bought?
a bike. hee hee. i love my bike. and a chocolate fountain for lucy for christmas. hee hee. i love my lucy. more than the bike of course.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
everyone was fuckin-eh. beautiful people doing beautiful things as always.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
ed kozak of course, but i love him all the more for it.

14. Where did most of your money go?
beer, cigarettes and weed. in fact, not most: all. apart from the 360, but that was a gift from me to me. that's allowed.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
what don't i get excited about? from the top... my birthday, bald soprano, roz and guil, me and lucy making 2 years, the summer in all its summery goodness, barcelona, henley, cycling down the thames with my bros and sisters, the fringe, going into second year, life and times, britannicus, lime tree bower, christmas, lucy's birthday. it was all gold!

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
anything by mark lanegan. he was the best thing musically in 2006 by so far it's not even funny. well, it is because most of the stuff of his i was listening to was over 10 years old, but still.... oh, and anything from into the arms of god, wolfmother and of course THE FIREFLY THEME TUNE. best. song. ever.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
Happier or Sadder? same as always. foolishly optimistic.
Thinner or Fatter? same as last year, but that's only because i've gorged myself on christmas food. certainly fatter than any other time of the year.
Richer or Poorer? err... richer i think. i seem to remember this time last year being in severe debt. like this year, but worse.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
going out and seeing people and making the most of enjoying time with my uni mates.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
everything that stopped me doing the above.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
at home with rentals and bros and sisters and crazy old grans. eating and drinking heroic amounts..

21. How will you be spending New Year's Eve?
crying into a whisky bottle if i'm any judge. but surrounded by friends of course.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
i stayed in love, which is the important thing.

23. How many one-night stands?
zero. unless you count date-raping lucy as a one night-stand. i'm very sorry, that's incredibly inappropriate. and no, i didn't. often.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
FIREFLY!!!!! why?! why did you leave us? damn you fox network, from now on your name shall forever be a curse and blemish on the world of great tv.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
ooh yeah, my hate list has increaed 10-fold. are you on it? who knows... watch this space. bwuhahahaha.

26. What was the best book you read?
well... you may not think it counts (whoever the hell you are, in my tired lemsip addled mind) but i discovered the majesty of comics this year and of those 300 was perhaps the most superb.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
the melvins or wolfmother. i'd probably have to go for melvins, as much as wolfmother rock the melvins are one hell of a talented band.

28. What did you want and get?
parts in plays, some nice photos, a job, and lucy constantly with me and loving me.

29. What did you want and not get?
a chewbacca costume.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
SERENITY!!!! yeah, it came out last year, so what? it came out on dvd this year so fuck you and your anal approach to film loving. you heard me. seriously though, serenity. ooh yeah.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 20. i left my teenage years behind. so we went to a mexican restaurant and wore big sombreros. and then watched men being auctioned off in a club. you know, the kind of thing mature people do.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
a chewbacca costume.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
i'd like to use a quote from ms. sukan here if i may. *ahem* me: 'i just pretty much put on anything i can find in the morning when i get dressed'
idil 'yes, you can tell.'

34. What kept you sane?
lucy, friends, blah blah blah. while this may all be true, i think a strong coating of beer around my brain helped considerably.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
chewbacca's wife.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
everything and nothing.

37. Who did you miss?
anyone i know who may have died or left the country. you selfish bastards. actually, a special mention to pete for running off to live the l.a. dream. i miss youuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!

38. Who was the best new person you met?
that junkie who lives in the stairwell that has a cap saying 'pobody's nerfect'. genius!!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
don't expect a heartfelt, emotional letter to george lucas to fulfil your fantasies.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
'i'm burning in brightest hell, here comes that weird chill' - mark lanegan.

There, I did it. Was actually quite draining.... right, off to bed, or something similar anyway.
It's that wonderful time of year again when exams are finished and I can relax, chill out and do nothing. Wait, that's every part of the year for me... that's not the point though, now I can sit back and have a lovely guilt free joint which I've been looking forward to for weeks. By guilt free I mean that I have no work, no rehearsals, nothing until the New Year. Apart from writing a comedy screenplay but how hard can that be really?

So how have I been celebrating in style I hear you cry? By sitting on my bed drinking whisky and waiting for the fucking gas man to turn up. I don't understand... Scottish Gas told me they would send someone between 1 and 6. Me being the cynical bastard that I am automatically assumed that they wouldn't be here til 6. And lo and behold they're not. But this is a consistent thing for me. Whenever something is going to be delivered between say 1 and 6 it will invariably come in that last half hour. What are they doing with the rest of their time? I'm not exagerrating when I look back and say that no delivery has ever come outside that last half hour. Is it the same for everyone else?

Anyway, that's not the point. The point is that it's the Christmas hols. Wah hey. I'm going to go out on a limb here and admit that I actually really enjoy the Christmas holidays.

Wait, I'll carry that on in a minute. But first. I just got a call from Scottish Gas. They can't come today. So after me waiting inside for 5 fucking hours they're not even coming today. I hate them. Maybe I'll do a Bottom and murder him when he comes before hiding his body under the carpet... sounds saucy.

I do. I think they're great, not because of the Christmas spirit or anything, but just cos I get lots of pressies, eats lots, drink even more and get to see my bros. What more could you ask for really? Maybe peace and goodwill to all mankind, but then who's going to be making the cheap presents I need to buy for everyone else? That's a point.. what the hell do I get everyone else?! Fuck...

Something not to watch: Happy Feet. Not that I have, but I've heard mutterings from people I know that they're going to watch it. Please don't. It's for 5 year olds. It's not cute, it's not funny, it's not ironic, it's a waste of your money that you could be spending on me this Christmas. It's bad enough this film even exists, let alone that full grown adults would go and see it, at the same time completely ignoring Pan's Labyrinth and the Prestige. Ar well.

This was much longer than it was meant to be... anyway, I'm free from the confines of my flat now. They're going to be here tomorrow between 10 and 12. Hahahahahaha! The cunts.

Oh, and finally.
A Firefly MMO? Why that's the coolest thing I've ever heard of...
Should I feel guilty about the fact that while watching Band of Brothers I keep thinking about how much I want to go paintballing again? Probably. It's crazy stuff, the shit these people went through... I just can't believe any of them survived. It's a painfully obvious thing to say but to have to go through those experiences during WWII... I just don't know how they did it. Good thing they did though.

Anyway, if you haven't seen Band of Brothers you should. It's what Saving Private Ryan should've been. Plus Damien Lewis is awesome. What is it with me and tall male gingers? Should probably get that checked out.

World War 2 eh? They don't make 'em like they used to.
List the last 21 people to write on your wall:

1) Antonia Alonzo
2) Pete Cameron
3) Hannah Myers
4) Alex Hall
5) Lucy Jackson
6) Ollie Lough
7) John Wilkinson
8) Fraser Brown
9) Robin Stewart
10) Rebecca Lindhout
11) Binya Even
12) Ben Palairet
13) Hannah Thomas
14) Neil Wates
15) Robin Haywood
16) Rachel X Bogert
17) Ben Alderson-Day
18) George Woods
19) Felix Trench
20) Nick Kay
21) Matt Wieteska

And now the questions:

How did you meet 10? in oxford after she fell for the subtle attractions of mr even. a decision that would change their lives forever...

What would you do if you had never met 6? weep as i would have no one to share my clutch love with and sit in a corner being evil.

What would you do if 20 and 15 dated? be extremely worried.

Have you ever seen 4 cry? no, but not for lack of trying.

Would 3 and 12 make a good couple? i can't imagine two people less suited to each other!

Would number 14 and 16 make a good couple? perhaps but they'll never meet. ever.

Describe 8: crazy stoned hairy scottish gnome.

Tell me something about 11: he's actually heir to the latvian throne.

What's 7's favourite colour? er... the blue and red of superman's costume?

What would you do if 1 just confessed they liked you? what, you mean 'like' like? pay for the therapy i guess.

Would you ever date 19? only in my dreams.

When was the last time you talked to number 18? far too long ago. like back in the summer i think.

What language does 13 speak? pure lahndahn baby.

Who is 2 going out with? the mistress that is hollywood.

What is 5's favourite music? you name it she likes it, classical, rock, folk.

Where does 19 live? down clerk street way.

What is the best thing about 4? the fact that she's always happy and friendly to me. and she's the only person who calls me den den.

What would you like to tell 3 right now? you have the most amazing hair i've ever seen!

How did you meet 9? i can't remember the first specific incidence but no doubt it was at the bedlam boarding house.

What is the best thing about 17? sitting at teviot bar with a couple of pints at 3 in the morning watching the ashes and talking shit.

How come there are no questions about 21? answering anything about matt is impossible. he is an enigma wrapped up in an enema.
Go here: (sorry, I don't know how to do the whole embedded link thing) and listen to the song Death by Numbers. It's beautiful stuff and everyone should listen to it. Now. Go! Dammit, listen to the song.

It was written by an old school friend of mine. It's worrying to see what my old mates are doing nowadays. Either they're about to leave uni and go out into the real world and get high paying jobs, or they're getting engaged, or they're using their talent to write beautiful songs. And here I am, sitting at my laptop writing on Facebook when I should be revising. With two more years ahead and no ideas of what the hell I'm going to do with my life.

Thank fuck for that. The last thing I want is the pressure of having to succeed right now. No thank you! One day, in two years time perhaps. I mean, that's the definition of being a student isn't it? I worry sometimes that people forget this. That they actually think that what they do as a student at uni is important on some sort of global as opposed to personal scale. Like I say, to the individual what they do is important and worthwhile, as it is. But doing something in uni isn't the same as doing it in the real world. It's a depressing fact that people often choose to ignore. The real world's a scary place, so for now I'd rather stay in my student bubble, thanks very much.

Before I go have a shower and do some goddam revision I just want to say a massive thank you to Eleanor Rhode, Chris Mounsey, Simon Hodges, Mim Cross and Becs Kamps for all their hard work on Lime Tree Bower over the last few weeks. The run was great fun and successful thanks to all the effort you guys put in. I enjoyed every minute of it and hope you all did too!

Now go and listen to Death by Numbers by Noah and the Whale.
Am I the only one who thinks that Deuchars all of a sudden tastes like horse piss? I used to drink the stuff by the gallon but now I find the tase repulses me. Maybe it's because Ive spent too much time in Cloisters and Doctors where you're literally spoilt for choice when it comes to real ale. God it's amazing. Especially in Cloisters because they serve it in jugs. Jugs! True civilisation... I keep suggestively rolling cigarettes by the bar in the vain hope that they manager will say 'Fukkit, why not smoke in here instead of freezing your bollocks off on the street?'. It's just a fool's hope. Apparently that was enough for Gandalf and Merry, but not me. Once again a fat Kiwi with a beard lies to me. Or is it a direct quote from Tolkein? I neither know nor care.

I was partly inspired by a Seinfeld episode I watched today where George decides to do the opposite of every instinct he has, unsurprisingly everything goes right for him and his life changes around completely. 'Great,' I thought, 'I'll do the opposite of everything I'd normally do, meaning I'll put down that pint and that cigarette and do some proper work and revision, get an amazing degree and lead a clean and healthy lifestyle.' And then I sat on Facebook for a bit. Before I knew it I'd smoked an entire pack of Drum and finished a 6 pack. Fukkit.

I keep staring at my letterbox, willing the camera charger to come through it... it's been too long since I've annoyed and blinded my friends. Tee hee. I love waiting for stuff to come through the mail. Hence the reason that there's a draw filled with letters I've sent to myself. I take them out occasionally so I can laugh at how much more I know than the person that sent them.

I read something that made me laugh today: 'Ham and eggs. A day's work for the chicken, a lifetime commitment for the pig.'
I'm knackered and should go to bed, but for some reason recently I've refused to go to sleep. It's not quite insomnia, it's just a desire to stay awake and keep doing shit, no matter how banal it is. I blame narcotics, they make staying up and doing nothing relatively interesting which of course is ridiculous and stupid. If the government wants to stop kids drinking and taking drugs they should just show a 2 minute video of people like me sitting at a laptop writing bullshit like this instead of doing something constructive like sleeping...

That aside, here I am listening to Wolfmother. Awesome, awesome band. But Australian. I have nothing against my antipodean brethren but they are creaming England at the moment in the Ashes. It's just unfair. After last year I was so exicted about English cricket, but no. They have to just embarrass us. Fuckers.

I've taken to carrying a hip flask full of Glenmorangie 10 year round with me. I'm not quite sure why. I think it's meant to be a replacement of one addiction for another, or it could just be that being in an Irish play makes me want to do Irish things. Like be an alcoholic. But that's lunacy and would imply some sort of method acting, which a) is a bollocks concept and b) I'd have no idea how to do. Mocumentary move is starting to take shape. Filming of proposals went well. Just need to write a bloody script over the Christmas hols and get it cast. Piece of piss I hear you cry. And I agree.

Good news on the photo front: I've ordered a new battery charger for my camera so soon I'll be able to carry on taking vast numbers of photos and posting them up on here. For no reason other than I like taking photos.

On the 360 front, Gears of War is phenomenal. It's like a massive game of paintball, but more real. Popping out behind cover and nailing a headshot with an explosive bow and arrow is an experience that will never get old. I hope. I also have a stupid goatee. This has nothing to do with anything apart from the fact that I'm going to shave it off tomorrow. My first foray into the world of facial hair looks more like an accident involving super glue and pubic hair. Not cool. Not cool at all.

I feel like I should end this on a joke.
If you're gonna buy a pint at least fucking finish it. I'm fed up of clearing away half finished pints at the pub I work in. Honestly, who buys an alcoholic drink at the price of £2.50 and upwards, only to give up halfway through and leave it? At 1am when you've had one too many already and you're fucked, fair enough, but at 7pm? That's just a pathetic waste of money and I won't stand for it anymore. I won't I tells ya. There are countless students who would kill to hoover up the half pints that I have to throw away and the fact that these people have the arrogance to buy drinks and then not finish them is nothing short of racist. Or whatever the closest accurate phrase is.

But seriously, I'm drunk, it's late, I'm listening to White Stripes and I need to get up early tomorrow so I can go to the library and study my ass off. Thank God for the fact that clocks go back an hour today. An hour's lie in! Shame I have no one to make me go to bed, but there ya go. Be like thes squirrel. What the hell does that even mean? I should just make a bit of a shout out (whatever that means) to poeple in Galois. Thanks be to you for what was awesome fun, and surprisingly successful. Whilst in the queue at ScotMid tonight, some random bloke said he'd come to see the play last night and really enjoyed it. This is unprecedented stuff, whoop.
'Get back yer bastards or I'll take your legs off!' screamed the Prime Minister.

For those of you who arrived late, that was the end of a hilarious joke. Try and show up on time in future. Crap opening gags aside, I feel it is time once again to write about my life for no other reason than to provide some enlightenment for those of you who have nothing better to do than read this. Get a job!

Hmmm... where to start. Well, the two shows I'm in at the moment, The Life of Evariste Galois and Britannicus are going well, which is always nice. Especially given that Galois is on tomorrow, and Britannicus in a week. Both wonderful shows that you all should come to blah blah blah. Seriously though, come. Otherwise I'll end up back at my flat nursing a bottle of whiskey. Which I'll probably end up doing anyway, but that's not the point.

On a lighter note, I got an Xbox360! Woo hoo! Ar, but she is a cruel mistress. She demands my constant love to keep her happy. Not that I don't often come home to find her cheating on me with my flat mate. She's jsut playing hard to get, although given that I've already paid for her you would've thought she'd stop that now. For any of you who are worried about the fact that I'm calling my 360 'she', you obviously haven't played one before. Or you're dead inside. It's beautiful. Unfortunately there are a shed load of great games out in November, so if anyone needs a spare kidney I'll be selling mine.

Also been watching lots of South Park recently, just because it's about as funny as a cartoon can get. The way they constantly lampoon society and the stupidity of everyday people is nothing short of inspiring. If you haven't watched it since the ol' days when it first came out then get along to TV Links and watch some of the later seasons. You won't be disappointed. Or if you are then you're not only dead inside, but your corpse is also rapidly decomposing.

Speaking of decomposing, my face seems to be doing that at a rapid rate. If you've noticed this, don't be alarmed. It's just highly contagious leprosy. Now we can be deformed together!
I read some news today that genuinely saddened and shocked me: Tower Records has gone under, belly up, left the world of sales. Normally the news that a high store had gone bankrupt would be met with blank indifference from me, but I have a special place in my heart for Tower Records. While others would go to Central London to keep up with the latest fashion and hit all the trendy bars I would go simply to visit the Tower Records on Piccadilly Circus. It was an amazing place that stocked everything. And I do mean everything. I always got the feeling going into that store that whatever music, DVD or poster you wanted they would more than likely have it. They had an entire Stoner Rock section, and a decent one at that. Nearly all my favourite albums were purchased from that store, mainly because it was the only that seemed to care enough about non-mainstream music to have an extensive back catalogue of albums. At the end of 4 months travelling through India and Nepal, where the best you could hope to pick up was a bootleg collection of Bob Marley tunes, I remember the joy of going into the Tower Records in San Francisco and buying a mountain of albums which I couldn't find anywhere else.

And what has the Tower Records in Piccadilly Circus been replaced with? A Virgin Megastores. Which is shite. They don't have anywhere near the same collection of albums and DVDs, plus I can hardly see Virgin going tits up anytime soon. If it did I would be positively titilated as it would open the way for more genuine music stores to get a decent share of the market.

But who's to blame for all of this? Ultimately I am. Despite purchasing quite a number of records from Tower Records, I still donwloaded even more from t'internet. Despite the protestations of multi-million earning record labels and artists I've never felt bad about downloading music. If I find a small band that I like I'll always try and actually buy their albums (which won't be found in Virgin, and certainly won't be signed by the larger labels) but frankly I couldn't give a fuck if bands that are earning millions anyway get slightly less because of me and the millions of other committing internet piracy around the world.

But now I'm getting this unsettling feeling that I've been a complete idiot about the whole thing. Tower Records wasn't exactly a tiny independent record shop and that's been forced to close. This trend is only going to do down, not up. It's the smaller labels and shops that are going to be forced to close due to internet piracy, not the really big chains. Depriving them of money is what's going to really harm the music industry, and the good side of it, not the faceless money grabbing side. The answer? Time to save up some money and go out and buy the albums I want. As long as they're not by big bands, then it's fair game. Simple.
After an all-nighter of playing Guitar Hero and We Heart Katamari I feel like my brain is running out through my nose. But that doesn't matter, because of the awesomeness that are these two games. Guitar Hero is surely the ultimate party game. What board game allows you to don a guitar and thrash your way through Black Sabbath's Iron Man? There's no way to explain that feeling of hitting every note (OK, nearly every note) in a solo before kicking on with the verse. Well, maybe actually being able to play it on a real guitar, but who's got time to do that eh?

And as for We Heart Katamari... how do you explain a game like that? A game where the concept is to roll a ball over lots of different things until you get big enough to roll over and pick up other things. Sounds dull? It's not. It's the biggest headfuck of a game ever, and it's bloody brilliant. It's perfectly normal to hear someone say, 'Is that a boy in his swimming trunks down on all-fours being straddled by a panda?' before rolling a ball over them and picking them both up, and then moving on to bigger and weirder things.

Play both these games. They are the definition of fun and original computer games. FACT.
Well the title kinda gives it away... I've got about 2 minutes before I need to go so I just thought I'd write something cos it's been a while. So I'm going to use this time to make a plea. I really want an Xbox 360, and I want you all to help me get one. 'But what can I do? I'm just an individual' I hear you cry. Not to worry. Simply send me cash donations (minimum £10) so that I can gather enough funds to purchase said console. Simply really isn't it? But it doesn't end there, oh no. Don't think that you'll get nothing in return. For every cash donation I'll give you a...

Shit, cigarette's finished. Gotta go. Keep that money flowing in, the deity(s) of your choice will reward you handsomly for it.
I myself know very little of the Qur'an, having never read it or indeed seen it. Actually, I may have once held it in my hands but only because I was thinking 'Ooh, the Qur'an, I really should read this sometime.' But a mate told me (thereby making it fact) that it's quite a contrdictory text in that some parts can be seen as talking about everyone living together in paradise, whilst others talk about the glory in converting unbelievers and waging holy wars. There may not be a direct part saying that but there must be something in there that these terrorist leaders can use to rally people to their Jihads.

It's not as if the Qur'an is unique in this sense, the Bible has got to be one of the most bizarre books to look to if you want tips on how to live your life. I had the wonderful experience last week of browsing through the Book of Leviticus. I feel sorry for fundamentalist Christians who follow the word of the Bible literally. Everytime a man emits a bodily discharge he's unclean until he takes two doves or young pigeons to the Tent of the Lord and gives them to a priest to sacrifice. Not to mention women on their periods. It's also the book that gives the law saying sleeping with another man is wrong whilst on the same page stating that a man cannot wear clothes woven from two different cloths. A Holy Book offering fashion advice? Sounds a little bit gay... But you've got to give these fundamentalists some credit, these are just two examples of the hundreds of laws in Leviticus and to live their entire lives by them must take some doing...

However, the real reason I've been chuckling to myself these last few days is due to the reaction to the Pope's comments relating back to a 14th Century piece which states that Islam's brought nothing but violence and evil into the world, or words to that effect. First off, misquoted or not, that's a stupid fucking thing to say. If the Pope's tying to make a stand against Islam I think a simple one-finger salute towards Mecca would be a much simpler and easier to understand symbol for the Catholics of the world to unite around. Or, as is the case with most things the Pope has an opinion about, he should just keep his fucking mouth shut.

But you can't deny how hilarious the reaction to his comments has been. It was the same as with the Danish cartoons. Someone lets slip that some Muslims are violent, the Islamic world reacts with uproar, protests and... violence. I don't know if I can spell it out anymore... shooting a nun because you're pissed off that someone said your religion is violent isn't the best way to prove your innocence. Surely at least one of them has said to himself, 'Hang on a tick. Maybe reacting with violence in order to protest against being called violent is a bit fucking simple.' But somehow I doubt it. Perhaps if George W. Bush came out and said, 'At the end of the day, all Muslims are fun loving, peaceful people', the whole world could hold hands and skip into a bright future together. No. That's a stupid idea. And I'm not talking about the entire Muslim community here. I'm talking about just one example of the unfortunately large number of idiots that inhabit our world, in every religion and social strata. They are fools who are ruining our world in everyway and must be punished accordingly.

As Bill Hicks said when talking about pro-life Christians killing doctors: 'It's irony on a base level, but it's a hoot. It's a fucking hoot.'
I've been living in Edinburgh for almost exactly a year now and I love the place. It's the perfect size for a city, big enough to feel like a city but everything is still within walking distance. The architecture is wonderful, the pub's many and varied and the range of stuff to do and see is enough to keep everyone entertained.

So why then does the city seem to have the largest concentration of fucking mentalists outside of Arkham Asylum? I'm not talking about violent people who try and start fights with anything that moves (although that bloke who started a fight during a Ross Noble gig was paticularly funny). No, rather I mean the number of people who sit around spouting complete shit as part of their daily routine.

I can't go through my day without seeing a bench occupied by an unshaven, filthy old guy with a can of Tennents Super in his hand shouting, and I quote verbatim here, 'Ghasjk iyaiur tuouaihd oalkor fuckkerkjoikj!' I've lived in London, I know what crazy homeless people are like, but in Edinburgh they just seem to occupy every available space. They take it to a whole new level of crazy, they're as close to professional bumness as it's possible to get.

But I think the real victims here are the sane homeless people. These poor guys who are forced onto the streets through hard luck and circumstance then have to spend their days around these nutters. It's only a matter of time before their fabric of reality breaks down too. That's why I always try to buy a Big Issue off them. You can see it in their eyes, 'Please. Help me. Before it's too late.' Two weeks later I see the same person, they've aged 20 years, grown ridiculous facial hair and are shouting, 'I'm going to die. And this time I'm serious.'

And it's spreading. I was outside Bedlam Theatre the other night when a seeimngly normal person walked past before spitting, shouting random stuff and stumbling on. Lucy explained to me that he was someone's flat mate and felt he always had to swear at theatres. That's not an explanation for the brain rot he'd clearly suffered! I used to not be sure as to what caused such a massive descent into insanity. Was it drugs? Drink? A sharp blow to the cranium? Now I'm worried I know. It's this place. Edinburgh. It does something to you.

I'm going insane. And this time I'm serious.
I was going to write this note about something else. I can't remember what that subject was because at the moment I have a memory like a crack riddled goldfish. I have yet to develop gills or a taste for crack so I'm guessing this isn't the reason for my piss poor memory.

But I got distracted when I saw a note written by a friend saying how he is now going to quit smoking. When people I know stop smoking I feel like I've lost a friend, a comrade in arms. Who is going to keep me company on the cancer wards if all my mates have stopped smoking? It's just plain selfish I tells ya. I don't want to die without other people suffering my fate.

It's not just that though. It's the tide of anti-smoking that's gripped the nation at the moment. I've expressed my views on the Scottish smoking ban ad nauseam already, so no need for that. I just get a little annoyed when people direct their hate at me for choosing to do something I enjoy.

Don't they understand? I'm not the problem, fat people are.
I met Jack Sparrow the other night. Which isn't as weird as it sounds given that Marty McFly, Doc. Brown, Princess Jasmine and the Goblin King from Labyrinth were also there. Fancy dress parties confuse the fuck out of me. The theme was childhood memories and I kept up my superb streak of not actually making a costume, instead I went as the memory of my dad's depressive alcoholism. Some people didn't get it...

Anyway, my laziness when it comes to fancy dress parties is not the point of this note. Instead it's the fact that by some random chance, Jack Sparrow also knew stoner rock! That's right, bands such as Karma to Burn, Kyuss and Clutch. A band can't be obscure if more than one person's heard of it, right?! The fact that I care so much about this probably proves that no, they are still so obscure. Fukkit.

Moving on. I now have a job. Score! Bennets Bar, literally two minutes away from the flat, friendly staff and most importantly: MONEY! Hsk hsk hsk (that's Muttley laughing. I won't point this out again.) Soon I shall have that XBox 360 I have been waiting for.

Also, three plays coming up this Fresher's week. Bald Soprano, Popcorn and Candlewasters. If you're someone from Edinburgh, you should be there. In fact, you're probably a Bedlam person so will be anyway. Good for you! But even if you're not, be there anyway. Why? Freshers. I am intrigued to see what they're like. I feel like a scientist who's about to get a sample of some exotic creature to study and dissect. Hsk hsk hsk.
Oranjeboom, you'll be the death of me. Cheap Dutch lager, Some Like It Hot and Chicken Kiev. Plus a few too many capital letters. The kind of stuff to keep you going and make you believe that tonight is going to be a good 'un. Where much drink shall, inevitably, be involved. I wonder if I could get through a night without some kind of alcoholic drink passing.

Being watched over my shoulder writing this by someone who could easily read it anyway once it's published and yet I still feel self-conscious. How stupid. And now if anyone else I know reads this I should also feel self-conscious. I hope you're aware of this. However, men in drag, childhood memories and an evening out await.