I've been living in Edinburgh for almost exactly a year now and I love the place. It's the perfect size for a city, big enough to feel like a city but everything is still within walking distance. The architecture is wonderful, the pub's many and varied and the range of stuff to do and see is enough to keep everyone entertained.

So why then does the city seem to have the largest concentration of fucking mentalists outside of Arkham Asylum? I'm not talking about violent people who try and start fights with anything that moves (although that bloke who started a fight during a Ross Noble gig was paticularly funny). No, rather I mean the number of people who sit around spouting complete shit as part of their daily routine.

I can't go through my day without seeing a bench occupied by an unshaven, filthy old guy with a can of Tennents Super in his hand shouting, and I quote verbatim here, 'Ghasjk iyaiur tuouaihd oalkor fuckkerkjoikj!' I've lived in London, I know what crazy homeless people are like, but in Edinburgh they just seem to occupy every available space. They take it to a whole new level of crazy, they're as close to professional bumness as it's possible to get.

But I think the real victims here are the sane homeless people. These poor guys who are forced onto the streets through hard luck and circumstance then have to spend their days around these nutters. It's only a matter of time before their fabric of reality breaks down too. That's why I always try to buy a Big Issue off them. You can see it in their eyes, 'Please. Help me. Before it's too late.' Two weeks later I see the same person, they've aged 20 years, grown ridiculous facial hair and are shouting, 'I'm going to die. And this time I'm serious.'

And it's spreading. I was outside Bedlam Theatre the other night when a seeimngly normal person walked past before spitting, shouting random stuff and stumbling on. Lucy explained to me that he was someone's flat mate and felt he always had to swear at theatres. That's not an explanation for the brain rot he'd clearly suffered! I used to not be sure as to what caused such a massive descent into insanity. Was it drugs? Drink? A sharp blow to the cranium? Now I'm worried I know. It's this place. Edinburgh. It does something to you.

I'm going insane. And this time I'm serious.