first impressions are important. they really are. parents tell you from an early age that you have to make a good impression, dress smart and look presentable. of course, these are the same people who also tell you not to judge a book by its cover but they wouldn't be parents if they weren't hypocritical bastards. 'don't judge a book by its cover, because everyone will be doing that to you if you don't make a good first impression' or some bollocks like that is basically what they're saying.

however, they are. important that is. you can learn a lot from someone in the first few moments of meeting them. i'll give you a for instance: when wondering through the streets of edinburgh i am confronted by a raggedly dressed unshaven old man who is stumbling about the place with a bottle of white lightning, murmuring inane ramblings i can be pretty sure that this isn't someone i can discuss my love of wittgenstein with. not that i can discuss that with anyone, i don't know anything about the cunt. i don't think i even spelt his name right. but the point is that my first impression would be correct. and 9 times out of 10 it is. most people who i think are cunts with in 10 seconds of meeting them turn out to be, surprise surprise, cunts. there have been a few exceptions but i'll not name names for fear of insulting someone...

the first impression most people get of me is that i'm tall. well done, you are correct. seriously, every person i meet, the first thing they say is, 'wow, you're tall. how tall are you? is your family tall?' and so on and so on. i start to worry that these are height obsessed people. they have nothing else to talk about. when they're standing around with their other friends their conversations go along the lines of 'wow, you're still average height.' 'yes i am, thanks for noticing. have you grown a centimetre?' 'why yes i have' 'fascinating' 'let's find a tall person'. i hate these people.

of course, some people's first impressions are just plain wrong. like a guy i met in the toilet of bongo club last week. 'did he think you were gay?' i hear you cry. no, shut up and sit down you stupid fuck. we started chatting, as blokes do in the urinals, and carried on our conversation outside. shortly into the conversation he asked me, 'so what's it like being a kiwi in edinburgh?' i paused... and thought, 'fuck it'. "ar yeah, it's sweet as bro!". just to make it clear, i had not been talking in a new zealand accent up to this point. the bloke just thought i was a kiwi. i then proceeded to have a 20 minute conversation with this guy about the wonders of new zealand and the all blacks rugby team, speaking in a kiwi accent. i tell you, trying to talk about kiwi rugby whilst also defending the england rugby team against a scot is a challenge when you're drunk and your brain's wired... anyhoo, we got to the end of the conversation and i suddenly thought, 'wait. he thought i was a kiwi before he mentioned it... why the fuck did i spend the last 20 minutes doing a kiwi accent?' that must have confused the fuck out of the poor guy.

his first impression of me was wrong, and i abused this. i apologise, but it's not my fault he's a fucking deaf moron. the point of this note is... nothing really. apart from look clean and presentable, because you never know who's watching you. or stalking you on facebook. apart from me. always assume i am. because i am. you're beautiful....

ooh, ooh, completely unrelated to the shpeel above but find and download the song 'born to hula' by queens of the stone age. not the 2000 version, the one from the kyuss/qotsa split ep. just because it's an amazing song. i know none of you will because you're all fools, but just putting it out there anyway.