Friday, August 17, 2007

Nestlé: Giant Baby Killer

Confectionary giant Nestlé today annouced plans to open their next Child Labour Camp of Death Factory™ in Edinburgh, Scotland. The company, responsible for making Kit Kat and After Eights mints among other products, first sparked off controversy with their infamous powdered baby milk that was given to starving mothers in Africa for their babies. The milk caused the mother's breasts to explode and the babies themselves to turn inside out. This event emboldened Nestlé, who have since made child killing central to their business. Their plan to put sacrificial baby blood in all their products was only pulled at the last minute when it was pointed out that they would be appealing to a very niche market.

However, until now their extreme infanticide has been restricted to Third World countries. This factory will be the first of its kind in the Western world. A Nestlé spokesmen said the planned factory was, "Basically a big 'Fuck You' to Edinburgh University, EUSA [Edinburgh University Student Association] and especially those bloody leftie tree-hugging bastard thought-police in People & Planet." Nestlé apparently did not take too kindly to EUSA banning Nestlé products in their shops. Their aim with this factory is, "to give those whiney, self-important students a taste of the real world and show them why you don't fuck with the big boys."

The proposed building for the factory will occupy the majority of the Meadows, which is currently parkland. The area has been sited for development partly because it is a large area of unconstructed parkland and also because it will "piss off students and children alike. We hate them all." Half of the factory will be a giant incinerator where the bodies of the broken and dead child workers will be burnt. Nestlé claim this process is essential for "making the chocolate runny." Nestlé have assured parents that working conditions will be better than those of their Third World Child Death Factories. A typical working day for a child will consist of turning up to the factory at 4am and after the first beating of the day from the armed guards the children will be set to work on the production lines. Here they will have to perform tasks such as constructing each individual layer of a Kit Kat, whilst having the skin slowly peeled from their bodies. The children will be paid 3p a day and kept there indefinitely until they die.

Reaction among parents has been largely positive, with one mother from Leith saying that she'd "be glad to get these wee ankle biters out of the fucking house." Members of EUSA were unavailable for comment due to being too pissed or incoherent to make a sensible statement, but no doubt they'll be ineffectively bitching about it for weeks to come.

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