Wednesday, August 08, 2007

escape from the prison planet

i tend to be a grumpy person when i wake up in the morning. for the first hour, after tearing myself out of bed, i communicate mostly in grunts. the smallest things make me want to lash out with a stream of vitriolic bile. i find it helps to get all this pent up anger and frustration out as soon as i wake up as it tends to leave me remarkably clear headed and serene for the rest of the day.

which is why i don't take too kindly to be being patronised by breakfast products. innocent smoothies can seriously fuck off. they may be damn tasty but there's an air of smugness about them that makes me gag on my weetabix. they're like that bastard friend who always has to come up with those knowing jokes, and that's exactly what they're trying to be. friendly. i don't like friends like this. the kind that make comments like,

"please keep me in the fridge and shake* me before pouring"

*it helps if the cap's on.

fuck off. what market are they trying to appeal to here? three year olds or the brain dead? either way i don't think they're the kind that can pay the fucking extortionate prices that these things cost. anyway i think the use of the word 'me' would freak out most three year olds. it would me feel guilty, sucking out the insides of something that's trying to have a bit of banter with me in the morning, if i didn't hate the bastard.

another example: "what is in an innocent smoothie?"
"well. since you ask, it a blend of... (enter smug blurb about how fucking healthy and great product is here)" i didn't ask. i don't care. the 'mangoes & passion fruit' written on the front of the carton is all the information i need, cheers. and i don't want to hear how healthy this bloody thing is when i'm trying to guzzle it down as quickly as possible in order to dampen my throat so that i can get my first nicotine hit of the day.

to make myself feel better i just picture one pasty, lonely man sitting in the innocent factory crushing all this fruit himself, putting "we like talking" on the side of the carton with his address, e-mail, etc. in the vain hope that someone equally as sad and smug as him will come in and they can masturbate each other off about how fucking great they are compared to everyone else.

but innocent aren't the only company to try and use this 'friendly banter' approach. now barclays bank are doing it. the idea of a bank trying to be friendly by re-branding their atms as 'holes in the wall' and other such 'witty' slogans is so laughable it makes me cry. they seem to have got the wrong end of the stick here. i don't want my bank to be a friend, i want it to be a fucking bank. they don't seem to understand that most people know that banks see their customers as veritable cash pinatas. the banks are more than happy to smash us pinatas into little pieces, without a smidgen of remorse, so that they can fest on our gooey cash entrails. banks are two-faced cunts. that's fine, it's expected.

i don't expect my friend to come round and re-posses my xbox360 because i owe it a bit of cash. if the bank was really being honest they'd have slogans such as, "you've got three days to pay us the cash or we break your kneecaps and rape your wife." that's a bank i could trust, fear and ultimately respect. i don't respect lying, whiny, smug gits.

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