Into the Hoods

The Fringe is all about discovery.

Example 1a): This Fringe I have discovered the much maligned joys of the hoodie. I’m not necessarily talking about the garments worn by hooded yoofs who are apparently terrorising some streets somewhere that I don’t walk on, any kind of item of clothing that has a hood as an attachment will do. I see countless* people wearing clothes with hoods, who never use the most important item on the piece of clothing: the hood itself. This is rash foolishness in the highest degree and possibly even a fashion faux pas too, I’m not sure. My fashion sense revolves around the critical features of loose warm and covering all pubic growths. Other than that I find it hard to pay attention.

So this is not a fashion article, just a bit of good ol’ fashion advice m’boy. Because Edinburgh is fucking freezing at the best of times. It’s summer still and sometimes the sun does piss down on us, but that sensation of it being warmer is just because there are twice as many bodies around at the moment generating heat. Clearly the robots are thirsty for energy*. In reality the harsh biting wind blows eternally on into my not quite rolled cigarettes spilling precious leaf everywhere while the rain moistens.

The weather can’t be helped but the level of one’s comfort and joy during these periods of Odin’s wrath* certainly can. Did you know that you lose the majority of your body heat through your head*? Curious isn’t it? If only there were some way to cover your head quickly and easily without that nipple look that comes with the beanie… but of course there is, with a simple flipping manoeuvre you can instantly cover the head and keep in all that pesky heat which is trying constantly to escape. It really does create such a wonderful snug feeling, like a mini cocoon wrapped around your head. No wind or rain can reach you and it’s almost possible to forget that feeling that you’re going to bump into a polar bear at any minute.

In the interests of proving this, I walked a small way with my hood down. Needless to say icicles instantly formed on my face and I felt like I was about to collapse. On returning the hood to its rightful place the warmth and comfort came flooding back and I couldn’t help wonder how I’d ever survived walking these cold desolate streets without a hood. It’s not just a warmth thing either. I’m a big fan of the rain, but sometimes it can be a bit much when it’s falling in your face and dribbling down your neck. Ta-da! With a hoodie you can look out at the rain and experience the joys of frolicking in puddles without having it get in your face. Some may claim that you can do this with an umbrella, but how are you meant to carry a cigarette in one hand, a drink in the other, and an umbrella all at the same time? How I ask you?! It can’t be done. Umbrellas are shit.

Hoodies aren’t bloody brilliant just because of their practicalities either. How many times have you spent hours working on a hair do, only to have it rendered laughable by the wind and the rain? Once again the hoodie comes up trumps above any other vestment*. The hood provides perfect cover and protection for your coiffure, meaning that on removal at your destination your hair is still as sexy and stylised as when you left. Of course you have to make sure you buy a hood that is light enough not to suppress your hair but shop around, it is your style.

There’s also the ‘looking kinda cool’ factor. Everytime you walk past a window with hood up and catch your reflection you can’t help muttering to yourself, “Obi-wan… now there’s a name I’ve not heard in a long time…” simply because all the cool, mysterious characters in films wear hoods. Aragorn. There’s another example. I’m sure there are many others… It’s no wonder the hoodie is the look of choice for gangs and sects, it is the epitome of cheap but awesome clothing.

Ar yes, the gangs… the only slight drawback to the otherwise universal brilliance of the hoodie. True, walking around with your hood up does mean that you also have an unshakeable paranoia that someone’s about to stab you at any moment for no reason, but it’s a minor worry. Besides, if everyone starts using their hoods for what they were designed for the negative connotations will soon die out. Look at it this way: in the Tundra where climate conditions are more similar to where we may well be in a few years, they wear big fuck off hoodies with lots of fur*. They know that you’d have to be stupid to go out in the cold without one. Here, nearly everyone owns a hooded article, never flips the hood and so constantly complains about how fucking cold and miserable they are. Well now you’ve been told there’s no excuse. Sort your fucking lives out.

Example 1b): A person who is too tired/lazy to see any shows will write about nonsensical topics to bide the time until they’ve finished articles that take time and work.

Example 2): Articles can sometimes have misleading titles to do with reviews and what not.