Uninformed Murderers And Liars, The Lot Of You

People go on about human evolution, but human society hasn’t changed one iota since the first group of people built a wall around themselves and told everyone else to go fuck themselves. Oh sure there have been some cosmetic changes, but us cogs in the machine still have the same kind of hopes, dreams, pains, general bodily functions, as we did c.50 million years ago.

There are those who speak in disgust at the idea of gladiators in Ancient Times hacking meat off each other for the general amusement of the public, but death and violence are still what dominate our entertainment industry. Then there are the ol’ Victorian freakshows which everyone pretends to be horrified about before pouring themselves into the brand new super-deluxe freakshow for the 21st Century that is the celebrity industry.

If there’s one thing that represents a serious downward curve in the human evolutionary path towards a higher purpose, it’s the celebrity industry. Everytime a copy of heat, or any other kind of vacuous glossy shitmag is bought and someone earnestly sits down and takes an interest in all the pretty pictures, made-up stories, unimportant news, flimsy reviews, common-sense personal advice and plain hypocrisy, the human species as a whole takes a giant leap back towards the trees.

I used to think that the blame lay entirely with the celebrities. These shallow, money-grabbing, arrogant, talentless nobodies who can’t go without attention for longer than half a nanosecond before volunteering to humiliate themselves again in yet another degrading reality TV show. And it does, to a certain extent. But the real troublemakers, the ones determined to get us the ‘Worst Century for Human Evolution Ever’ title currently held by the 14th Century, are the stupid bastards who actually care about these nothingfolk.

Recently I’ve caught whiffs of the whole Britney Spears fiasco wafting past me like farts in the wind. Let’s make this absolutely clear from the start: the only important thing about Britney Spears is her singing. In the same way that the only important thing about Brad Pitt is his acting. That’s what their jobs are, who they are as people and what they do in their private life is entirely immaterial. They could mainline heroine into their eyeballs and enjoy regular bouts of pig fucking for all I care, as long as they can do their job what codgesnuffling difference does it make?

All the difference in the world apparently to some emotionally stunted shit-for-brain inepts. These individuals who feed and suck on celebrity gossip like bloated pubescent larva. Any story about the likes of Amy Winehouse smashing her head through a pint glass or Pete Doherty purchasing a new shoe stirs a feeling deep within these people not unlike the kind that perverts get when watching a snuff film. Sometimes they’ll make the arbitrary decision to ‘like’ the celebrity. They’ll get the idea that this celebrity is a nice person and should be sympathised with. Or they’ll go the opposite way and mock the celebrity to the point of ridicule.

How dare they? Genuinely how dare they? These celebrities are total strangers, all the information we get about them is horseshit churned out by PR machines and bare-faced tabloid liars. These voyeuristic bastards want to invade the lives of celebrities and uncover every facet of them for their own personal amusement. And they do so with no sense of irony or guilt. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy that if you hound someone and put immense pressure on them they’re more than likely to mess their lives up with drugs and alcohol. If you really care about them, leave them alone. Let their private lives be private.

Look at it this way: imagine Facebook acted like the tabloid press. Every action you performed, every person you met, every drink you had, every word you uttered, was repeated and shared with the rest of Facebook. Not only that, but it would make up lies about what you had and hadn’t done. It would share embarrassing photos and everyone else would comment and laugh at you. If this were the case Facebook would be a cold, desolate wasteland on the internetwork highway, its space littered with broken hearts and suicide.

When taken to its extremes, this celebrity obsession does have some serious and hilarious (in a depressingly cynical way) implications. First off the bat is the death of Diana. Ten years on and I still don’t get this. Her life was pretty much ruined by the unwarranted public interest in her day-to-day actions. And in the end, the paparazzi pressure killed her. Then, in a stroke of genius, the tabloids managed to make it seem like they loved her all this time, the public went with it because they didn’t want to face up to the fact that they might have just slightly been responsible for murdering her, and so began the most pathetic period of mourning and people pretending they cared this country has ever seen.

But it didn’t stop there. Now we have this whole Madeleine McCann saga. Everyone has their own opinion about what happened to Madeleine. Some blame the parents, some blame the Portugese police and some believe she was kidnapped by Elvis. Unfortunately they all seem to be missing the key point that they don’t know jackshit and should all shut the fuck up immediately. Who are you to judge whether someone is guilty or not based on what you read in the papers? Do you think you have some keen insight into the case because you’ve read some sensationalist headlines? The job of the press and the public is not to act as judge, jury and executioner. Although the latter role has been pretty well adopted given that there’s nothing more likely to make a kidnapper slit a young girl’s throat and hide the body than making his victim the most famous girl in the world. But that’s just my opinion.

The fact that this cult of celebrity is creeping into the world of abducted children is weird enough, but the problem started long ago when it became acceptable to take average people and idolise them for no particular reason. There is a national thirst for fame and to have your 5 seconds of fame, but why? As far as I can tell having strangers pretend that they know you and judge you is one of the most hellish things in the world.

It’s all very simple: if someone is good at their job then they should be praised for their talents. If you want to get to know a stranger with a drug problem who can’t look after their kids then just turn left out your door and walk ten metres up the road. And please, I implore you, stop caring about fake bullshit personalities so that we can focus on the important stuff like advancing the human race and colonising Mars or something.