when it hits, you feel no pain.

one hit wonders. they come, they go. such is the way with singles and thank god for that cos it's their only saving grace. a single is there to be used by artists who accept the fact that they've written one good, catchy, radio-friendly song admist a diatribe of appalling piss-poor songs that, if all released as an album, would insult the common decency of humankind. there's no shame in this, if you get lucky enough to churn out just one song that makes it big and is loved and respected by millions then you can die happy. one-hit wonders that spring to mind include the likes of eagle-eye cherry. the song 'save tonight' was an anthem for the summer of '97. i think he released one other single that was laughable before disappearing from the music scene entirely. he came, he left quietly leaving behind an alright radio song that i occasionally remember. good on 'im. of course it doesn't work in every case. to me chesney hawkes is the musical equivalent of donkey fucking.

you can get away with releasing a one-hit wonder as a single. it's one-hit wonder albums that are starting to grate at my brain like an industrial sized pneumatic cheese grater. i read an article in a sunday magazine the other week talking about how fucking super-duper oh golly amazing it was that kaiser chiefs were actually releasing a second album. at first i thought the journalist was just retarded until i thought about it and realised that so many 'it' bands release one album that does incredibly well and then the second one sort of arrives but not quite, no one buys it anyway and the band fade into the realms of background pub music. i'd almost feel sorry for them if they weren't shit. i'm talking about the likes of the darkness, the hives, 50 cent, the datsuns, the strokes, sean paul, fratellis (trust me on this), and many others that i can't remember because they've slipped through the mysty veil that is my memory and into obscurity. some bands occassionally release second albums that sell well but it's never as good as the first one and it's always the same damn song from their sodding first bleeding album that was meant to be so bloody amazing that you keep effing hearing in the stupid pub. (i was going to use 'fucking' for all the swear words in that sentence but i thought that was a bit crude).

it doesn't fare much better for the bands that endure beyond that initial difficult five year period. just take a look at any dreaded 'best of' collection. first off, 'best of' albums are generally abysmal and no self-respecting artist should ever release one. but for those that do, most of the good stuff is from their earlier songs, or a short three/four year period sometime in their career. it's difficult for a lot of bands to stay creative and innovative for a sustained period of time. of course it is, they're only human. but look at the bands that do keep going for centuries: rolling stones - did some good stuff in the 60's... never got better. the who - should've died with keith. pink floyd - got the middle right, shame about the beginning and the end. ac/dc - hit it big with back in black, all their songs sound the same. eric clapton - post cream was a downhill descent on cocaine mountain. oasis - at least noel has the testes to admit that everything post what's the story? is sub par crap. metallica - have been rubbish for 2/3rds of their musicl career. even led zeppelin - if bonham hadn't have died they would've gone mouldy; just listen to 'all my love' and tell me i'm wrong. the point is that for most of these artists their best albums weren't their first ones. the ones that last are those that have at least enough talent to learn and improve over their first album. then they loose the magic and start churning out mediocre balls like everyone else.

it's not entirely the band's fault, beyond the fact that they can only write three consistently good songs in their entire careers. no, the blame lies more with the mass-hype bollock machines that are record labels, commercial radio and most of the music press. it's their drive and desire for the next big thing and the money that comes with it that means these bands are the biggest thing in music one minute then entering the eurovision fucking song contest the next. i don't mean to sound like a whining hippie bitch trying to rebel against the man, man. everyone's got to make money, it's always gonna be an important aspect of the music industry but come on, this much? so much money is poured into such a narrow aspect of the music world that it's obscene. i know it's absurd to expect everyone in the music industry to suddenly turn around and say, 'enough! we're done backing this generic, mediocre money-spinning bullshit excuse for music! from now on we shall find as many interesting, diverse and talented bands as we can to promote! (according to richard's tastes of course!)' but a guy can dream.

what to do then? well there are bands out there who are talented enough to innovate and stay on top of the game. i've recently started listening to the melvins and may i say what a pleasure it is too. they've released about a gazillion albums in their long musical career and each one is different. even on the albums themselves the song vary wildly in style and sound. they can go from happy rock, to heavy doom via hard rock stopping off for some brief psychadelia, alternative and plain bizarre, all within three songs. it's inspiring stuff. but if you're not into rock then there's plenty of amazing stuff in every genre. you just have to look hard and ask around. and if you're a musician you're safest bet is probably to kill yourself at 27. everyone loves hendrix.

ps. i've also fallen in love with this site. it make funny.

don't worry, i got her a part in the new vin diesel movie

so as i was sitting here flicking through the net and listening to itunes on shuffle i heard this gem of a song: message in blood by pantera. it has some of the funniest lyrics i've heard in a long time:

I'm provoked into sick confrontations, brutal
Time after time, bed of nails, suffocation,
Lifes ending, slay in different designs
One mans misery is another mans mystery
No one cares to understand my
Demented means
Sticks and stones can break all your
Brittle bones, epitaph written at your feet

Its a message in blood
Its your cryptic warning
Within the message in blood
Marks the years of pain,
And your godforsaken ending to life

i think 'one man's misery is another man's mystery' is probably the best thing since blake. a piece of music hasn't touched me like this since 'last resort'. coby feels my pain. this is why i listen to the guitars, not the lyrics cos 9 out of 10 times they're bollocks.

of course many people mishear lyrics, the classic example being jimi hendrix's purple haze with the line ''scuse me while i kiss the sky' which many people think goes ''scuse me while i kiss this guy'. an easy mistake to make, but the latter is something i'd be likely to say, not jimi.

there used to be a website dedicated to mishearing lyrics, but i saw it about 5 years ago so cock knows what it was called. this may seem like a dull and pointless topic to start with and you'd be right, but i'm trying not to talk about valentine's day.

yes, it's that time of the year again. normally i'd go off on one about what a ridiculous day it is, but i've done that so many times i grow weary, plus colleen's note has mellowed me somewhat. besides, i have other things to worry about, like the second night of sour heart. first night went ok, just need to blitz it tonight. try and give someone a heart attack by popping out of their seat when they least expect it, that kind of thing.

speaking of exciting stuff, latest episodes of heroes is up. i've said it once and i'll say it many, many times until everyone listens to me: this is awesome stuff. it takes a while for all the stories to get going, but i'm loving it at the moment, check it out. if anyone tells you otherwise let me know and i'll stop time, steal their clothes and tattoo 'philistine' across their forehead in an instant.

what the fuck is wrong with facebook? am i the only one constantly getting asked to login every time i view a page? and now apparently i'm not a member of any groups...ever since i made my birthday event facebook has been caving in on itself like a mine made from whipped cream. daddy's very sick... hmmm.... i seem to care more about facebook not working than my gran's impending operation, insanity and likely death. it's a cruel world.

attencion. wait, is that a word?

i just want to say this straight off: can the media please stop doing these stories about david cameron smoking a spliff and can anyone that cares, not? not because it's david cameron and it might damage his reputation, i couldn't give a fuck. which is the thing, most people couldn't give a fuck. almost every single person i know below the age of 40 has smoked a joint at some point in their life, the fact that he has is not important and it's not news. things like his policies, the middle east, sudan, bonsai kittens. these are news stories, probably. i don't know, i hardly read the papers these days, although i do now have a subscription to the economist so there's hope yet.

besides, he went to eton so private eye's bound to find worse stuff than that. ooh... public school rivalry humour. how in touch with modern culture i am. it's the
sour heart cast getting to me... oh yeah, come and see that, please. thanking you. starts tomorrow, hence the demented zelda. if i could count down the days i would but alas i have zero knowledge of editing pictures. momma didn't raise no graphic designer. also, if you haven't seen it yet, check this out. it's a hilarious video, felix's outburst has a wonderful built up and makes me laugh. becca felix xander and matt have also done some trés sexy film stuff for sour heart. even more reason to come see it.

speaking of zelda, i hope my brother got my hints at christmas that i reeeeeaaally want a nintendo wii for my 21st. he's working now, he can afford one i'm sure... i still act like a kid when it comes to my brithday, i love 'em. and soon i shall organise what i'm going to be doing for a party on the 23rd. probably a flat party at mine on 23rd February, which is a friday. i'll make the inevitable event and invite sometime soon. think of this as an advance notice to you who bother to read these. yes, i give back to the community.

however, due to the awesomeness that is sour heart (on this week, tues-sat. 7.30pm. £3/£3.50/£4, come see it, it's going to be amazing, etc.) my parents are going to be up this weekend. and they think i'm going on a pub crawl, for reasons of my lease not allowing flat parties. which is gay, which is why flat party it is. but they can never know. my entire destiny depends upon it. great, i'm turning 21 and worrying about my parents finding out about my secret party. oh yeah, i'm becoming a man alright.

the party will be great, lots and lots of free booze if all goes to plan. and who knows, maybe even a theme if i'm feeling extravagant.

this is totally not what i was planning to write about but my mind wandered in that direction so there you go. now i've forgotten what it was i was orginally going to write about. so i'll wrap it up with this: hilarious bottom live scene which i know at least stephen will appreciate.

that's sour heart.

this week, 7.30pm.

one of my favourite bottom moments

my advice to you

when you're sitting in a loud bar and vaguely hear a dj ask for song requests always check it's not karaoke first otherwise you end up looking like a fucktard and have all your mates as well as the dj take the piss out of you.

basically don't be a tit and read the piece of paper which has 'KARAOKE REQUEST SHEET' written on it. muppet.

in case you were wondering, i requested 'it's a long way to the top (if you want to rock 'n' roll)' by ac/dc. i'll work on my bon scott singing voice and then i'll be back next week to reclaim my honour. or lose my dignity, it could go either way. at least it'll be better than a barely adolescent, heartfelt rendition of 'angels'. *smash* goes my head into the glass table.