Pussy Bits Galore

If you arrived here because you searched for 'china pussy' then be not ashamed. You are one of many. All I ask is that you make up for the fact that you're a sad internet loner by reading this article and all the others cos they're fucking hilarious and maybe they'll fill that void in your life where a woman should be
How do you begin to describe my feelings at seeing this video? It just touches me on so many levels, I’m almost left speechless. Before you read any further make sure you watch this video, otherwise the rest of what I have to say will not make any sense whatsoever.

Assuming you’ve watched that, let’s just have a frame by frame recap. It opens with your average high street in Malatya. Where the fuck is Malatya? To Wikipedia!

Malatya (Hittite: Milid; Greek: Μαλάτεια, Malateia; Armenian: Մալաթիա, Malatia; Kurdish: Meletî; Latin: Melitene) is the capital city of the Malatya Province in the Eastern Anatolia region of Turkey.

Now we know. So, a Malatyan high street with nothing but a completely conspicuous cardboard box. As mentioned before I don’t hold terrorists in the highest regard when it comes to intelligence but I’d think it’s pretty basic that if you’re going to go to the lengths of concealing a bomb in a cardboard box you should at least go that one step further and also conceal the really fucking obvious box.

But that’s by the by. It’s a dangerous world we live in now and legal costs for the council being sued by some dippy tart who trips over a stray box in the street are through the roof, so action must be taken. And you don’t want any council workers with injured backs, best to call in someone to blow up said box instead, thereby harmlessly vaporising the offending pedestrian obstacle. No fuss, no muss.

Seriously though, you never know when the terrorists are going to adopt a ‘things they’ll least expect policy’ so it’s best to be on the safe side. But then again I just don’t know how savvy Turk terrorists are. I’m guessing they know how to plant a bomb.

Anyway, as you’d expect the experts are called in and they blow the box up. This is something that’s always intrigued me about bomb disposal: the controlled detonation. From the looks of this video it involves blowing the bomb up. Surely that’s not a good idea? I mean the idea of creating a specific specialist unit that blows stuff up which is meant to blow up anyway just seems like rigging up an intricate self-knacker kicking machine. Whatever the science behind it, it seems to be the preferred weapon of choice for taking on suspicious bomb packages. I just don’t get why James Bond doesn’t try it out more often…

Moving on, safe or not, the package is detonated. Here’s where it gets interesting. Something that has come out of the torn up package is pixelated by the camera. Why would the camera have to pixelate anything from a destroyed package? Let’s zoom in for a closer look... ar right, it appears to be what can only be described as two shellshocked cats. Bwuhahahahahahahaha!

Now I want to make this absolutely clear for any hippies that may be reading this: I’m not laughing at the fact that two cats were in the exploding box. I take no pleasure in harming animals. I just find the whole situation wonderfully absurd. I’ve heard about teenagers losing their GCSE design projects after leaving them on a train and bomb squads blowing up the subsequent suspicious package but this is just a step beyond because it raises so many intriguing questions.

So the package explodes and two cats fly out. Everyone screams. Fair enough, but I think they were probably screams that ran along the lines of, “Oh my God, what have we done, what complete fucktards we are!” as opposed to “The cats! Won’t someone think of the cats!”

Well someone did think of the cats. A local janitor, clearly running on autopilot, rushes in and proceeds to clear up the bomb victims as only he knows how: by sweeping them into his dustpan. It’s done with such perfect comic timing and efficiency it makes me weep everytime I see it. Clearly he’s been sweeping the streets of Matalya, thinking to himself everyday that he’s special, that he’s going to do something great and heroic. Well now he has. He’s swept up the entrails of two falsely exploded cats. I have visions of wars in the future where towering robots fulfil a similar function at the end of bloody battles between humans and spleen sucking beasts from Alpha Centauri.

Except they’re not cat entrails because, as the news reporter reassures us, the kitten and its mother were still alive when they were swept away like flotsam. Yeah… if there’s a gram of truth to this it’s in the use of the past tense. The cats were indeed still alive, just moments before the box was detonated with a device designed to tear apart sophisticated explosive devices. Believe everything the media tells you or don’t. It’s not about making decisions for yourself.

Obviously now the police are investigating who left the cats in the box. I bet they are. I just want to know why the person did it. Either they were carrying them to the vets and had to drop the box because they had a serious case of the skwitz and were left shocked and heartbroken when they returned; or they couldn’t afford to look after/hated the cats and knew that this would be the end result of leaving a cardboard box in the middle of a Turkish street. It’s certainly a more exciting method of execution than a canvas bag and some stones.

Or they’re just terrorists running on a massive budget deficit that have to rely on government controlled explosives to get their message across. I’d believe anything nowadays.

The fact of the matter is that there are victims in this whole sorry mess. Another suspicious box that was found in a Matalyan car park was detonated and subsequently found to have contained grapes. These grapes could’ve gone towards making a bottle of wine, and that kind of loss just isn’t funny.